The End (Thank God)

This one time, someone posted a thread on a Transformers message board that I go to every day entitled “Legends of Batman!” To start with, it was just a bunch of people saying “LEGENDS OF BATMAN!” repeatedly, but I figured, “Hey, I’ve run into Batman a whole bunch of times, who better to tell everyone stories about Batman than me?”

So I sat down, and started telling the stories as fast as I could remember them. You know, I’d just run into Batman so many times in my life, I’d figure that I’d never run out of stories to tell. But there came a night where I sat there to tell my nightly tale, and I drew a complete blank. Could it be that I’d told every story that there was to tell?

“Whatcha doing?” came a voice behind me. I whirled about in my seat, and who should I see there standing behind my chair?

BATMAN! Eating a sandwich.

“Dude… Is that my sandwich you’re eating?”

“Yeah. Hope you don’t mind.”

“I was gonna save that for later.”

“Yeah, well, I was hungry now. What are you going to do about it?”

What was I going to do about it?! Nothing. I mean c’mon, he’s Batman. He’d lay my ass out flat on the ground in no time flat. So instead I gave a sigh of resignation and turned back to the screen. “I’m trying to tell stories about all the times we’ve run into each other, but I think I’ve pretty much told everything that there is to tell.”

“Did you tell the one about the ice cream truck?”


“The one about the Riddler at the dance club?”

“You know he still calls me? I’ve changed my number three times.”

“The one about Hugo Strange in the Holy Land?”

“The fact that you turned out to be Jesus blows so many people’s mind…”

“The one where I dashed out on a check at that diner you go to?”

“Why would you ever need to do that anyway, aren’t you like a billionaire?”

“The time you found me hiding behind your couch?

“I can’t help but wonder why Gordon never figured that one out…”

“The time you became a henchman and I beat the hell out of you?”

“At least you paid the hospital bills. After I sued you.”

“The time I helped you with that crossword puzzle?”

“How on earth did you ever get ‘chemoautotrophy’ like that?”

“The time you slipped through the fabric of space time and met the pirates?”

“No one cares about that, they just want to know about the universe’s collapse being averted.”

“The time I stood in for the cast of ‘Chicago’?”

“Yeah, everyone loves that one.”

“The time I beat up The Penguin at Sea World?”

“Once again, that was A penguin, not THE penguin.”

“The time it came back and shot you?”

“Why the hell did it shoot me? You’re the one who smacked him around!”

“The time I was hiding in your fridge?”

“Uh huh. Ever get a peek of Becky’s boob?”

“The time I beat that bit of dialog from the Simpsons out of your skull?”

“To replace it with the theme song from your show in the sixties, yes.”

“The time at the dry cleaners?”

“Did they ever find your neon green urban camo outfit?”

“The time I saved you from Pinhead and the Cenobites?”

“Disguised as a toy review.”

“The time the aliens invaded?”

“You weren’t really around for most of that, but yeah, I told it.”

“The time you met my stunt driver?”

“Who, Steve? Yeah, I told them about Steve.”

“The time you became a werewolf?”

“And you tried to KILL ME? Yeah, I told it.”

“The time at the pumpkin patch?”

“Yeah. Did I ever mention that you had the right address?”

“The time at Blockbuster Video?”

“You know people still don’t believe that all the copies of Gigli were rented out?”

“The time with the birthday clown in your old neighborhood?”

“God bless you for killing that man.”

“The time I was banging your mom?”

“Dude… don’t go there.”

“The time I offered to let you be Robin? The time I fought Tarzan? The time that guy at Starbucks couldn’t get my order right? The time at the Academy Awards where I crippled Joel Schumacher? The time I helped you out with some toilet paper? The time you buried me in the forest? The time I mixed up a smoke bomb at the supermarket checkout? The time I beat up your roommate? The time at the laundromat?  The time I was on the bus? The time I was picking on Clayface? The time at the Super Bowl party?”

“Yes, yes, yes! I’ve told them ALL, I tell you!”

“Even the one about that time in Tijuana?”

“Oh hell no. As far as I’m concerned, that never happened.”

“Huh. Well, I guess you really have told them all, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I’ll just have to wait until we have some other adventures so I can tell them.”

“Um… I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Mike.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Maybe you better sit down for this…”

“I am sitting.”

“Well then stand up.” I did. “Now sit down.” I did.

“Let’s see… how to say this… Mike, you’re not going to see me anymore.”

“What? Why? You going on a secret mission or something?”

“No, you see I was never actually here. I’m just a figment of your diseased mind, a projection of your raging psychosis.”

“So what you’re saying is… I’ve got a split personality, and one of them is Batman?”

“HA! You wish! No, this is just a method for coping with how much your life sucks. You’re boring, so you dream up these little incidents involving Batman and think they’re real.”

“So what you’re saying is… I’m the one eating that sandwich?”

“Well that’s part of it, yeah.” And just like that, the sandwich was in my hand.

“So wait, if you’re just a figment of my imagination, why are you telling me all this?”

“Because you just realized that you are one very sick puppy, and this is just a way for your mind to rationalize your actions and explain it to itself.”

“Huh… So instead of always running into a superhero, I’m just completely nuts?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“So I guess that makes this our last legend of Batman, huh?”

“Yep, pretty much,” he said as he started fade away into nothing. “Better write it down before you forget.”

So… I did.