Let me tell you about a little place called Isla Vista.

Isla Vista is the little college “town” that’s adjacent to UCSB. Among its more interesting claims to fame, it has the highest population density between the Mississippi River and China.  Itt’s responsible for one percent of the total annual gross domestic beer consumption (And the town is only one square mile). Two thirds of the population have an STD of some sort.  And the entire town is managed by a council of people who happen to be the slumlords that own everything in the first place.

So what that adds up to is that the whole damned place is one big hole in the ground that’s brimming over with crap. Everything is falling apart, nothing works, every apartment is not up to code, and instead of fixing anything the landlords just up the rent by a hundred bucks per occupant every year.

Capitalism at work.

My first apartment was a particularly crappy place to live. In any other town, it’d have rented out for about 300 bucks, but I had to share it with three other people and my share alone was 325. We had a laundry room in the apartment building, but par for the course it was coin-op.

Those bastard landlords try and stick it to you every way possible.

Even worse is what I discovered the first time I tried to do a load of laundry. I discovered that the dryer didn’t work. I found out later that apparently it hadn’t worked for a few years, according to the people around the complex, and it had never been fixed. Of course it hadn’t why would they ever expend money to improve living conditions when they knew they didn’t have to…

So I have to lug a load of wet laundry down the street to the laundromat to get it dried. That laundromat must do a bang-up business, I don’t think there’s a single fully functional laundry room in that entire town…

Anyway, this place was called Bubbles and Beans, touting itself as a laundromat-slash-espresso bar. Well on every occasion I’ve ever been there, it was strictly a laundromat, although they did seem to have a place that could have conceivably been an espresso bar, but now just sold laundry soap and sodas and stuff.

This, like every other establishment in IV, was a crap hole.

Worse yet, all the dryers were occupied. This was the first week of school starting up again, I imagine the place was full of people discovering that their dryers didn’t work or something. It was late, I was tired, and I’d just hauled a load of soaking wet laundry down here and I really didn’t want to wait for everyone else to get done.

Fortunately enough, I saw that one of the dryers had finished, though it was still full. I wasn’t feeling like being courteous enough to wait for someone to come and get their crap, so I started unloading it onto the counter.

After a few seconds, I realized that practically the entire load was nothing but women’s undergarments.

It was fully of practically everything you could imagine. Lacey panties, black panties, g-strings, thongs, bikini bottoms. Some of them were crotchless, some were white with little flowers embroidered on the front of them.

But there was nothing else. It was all underwear. No bras though, but that didn’t really surprise me because apparently the girl who wore all these was pretty damned kinky.

So I’m having all sorts of mixed feelings about doing this… I feel bad because obviously this girl doesn’t want a guy like me going through her crap, and then on top of that I’m leaving all her crap in a big pile on the counter for everyone to see.  But still, you gotta admit that a chick like this would probably be a fun date. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to find out her name… Hey look, it’s written here on the tag…

“Property of Batman.”

OH CHRIST OH GOD OH JESUS NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I screamed as I tried to get the mental image out of my mind by clawing out of my eyes.

Through the blood and hysteria, I saw Batman quietly and quickly scooping up all his undergarments into a laundry bag, a look of pure murderous rage on his face.

Through clenched teeth he snarled, “If you ever tell ANYONE about this, I’ll break your legs off at the knees.”

And I never… Aw crap.