Holy Land, Batman!

After I graduated from high school, my parents got this really brilliant idea to go on a trip to Israel. God only knows WHY they wanted to do this, since we weren’t exactly what you’d call the most devout Jews in the world, but Mom had some crazy notion in her head that we were contractually obligated to go or something.

I mean come on Mom… It’s not like you even adhere to kosher in the slightest, other than not eating pork. Unless we eat out, in which case she’ll invariably order baby back ribs or something. And it’s not like she has a separate set of utensils for meat and for dairy, she eats shellfish, and everything else that you’re not supposed to do if you’re keeping kosher. I flat out asked my parents not too long ago what the hell was the point of not eating pork if you’re not going to adhere to the rest of the rules? “Discipline,” my dad tells me. Discipline for WHAT, exactly?

And later that very night we go out to Applebee’s for dinner and mom gets riblets.

So anyway, we go to Israel. Thankfully, this was before the current state of unrest, but it’s still not a place I’d like to visit. We actually I probably wouldn’t have minded visiting if I didn’t have to do it with my parents. They are absolutely INTOLERABLE to travel with sometimes, as their idea of fun is to hope a plane to a foreign country where they don’t understand the language for a couple weeks with no hotel reservations, no plans, nothing.

I don’t really dig flying by the seat of my pants. That and it forces me to be in close quarters with the people that bug me the most in place where there’s nothing remotely interesting for me to see. So yeah, I’m not really keen on the fact that we visited the Middle East…

So one day we’re in Jerusalem, and mom is doing her little touristy shtick. “Ooooh, it’s the Wailing Wall.” “Ooooooh, it’s the Temple Mount.” “Ooooooh, it’s the–” WHO GIVES A SHIT MOM? NOT ME! So we’re sitting there bickering, when all of a sudden the sky gets really dark except for this single beam of light coming down from the clouds. And coming down that beam of light was the figure of a man.

That’s right, it was the second coming of Jesus. I about shit my pants, I kid you not.

So Jesus touches down, and everyone’s all awestruck and everything, and in this deep booming voice he says “My Kingdom has come down upon the earth” or something like that, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, BATMAN leaps up out of the crowd and full on kicks Jesus in the face!

“DUDE!” I screamed, “You can’t do that! He’s JESUS!”

So we’re all sitting there, just staring slack jawed as Batman commits the most heinous act of blasphemy that one can conceive, when all of a sudden he stands up holding a mask of Jesus’s face! That’s when we see that it wasn’t Jesus at all, but really just Dr. Hugo Strange wearing a Jesus costume!

That was a total shocker, let me tell you.

It didn’t end there though. Right there, in front of the whole world, Dr. Strange stands up and points at Batman, and screams at the top of his lungs, “You can never stop me from revealing your secret identity Batman! I know that you are in fact… BRUCE WAYNE!”

A stunned hush fell over the crowd at this accusation, and Batman just stood there and stared at him. Then, ever so slowly, he reached up to his cowl and slowly peeled it back from his head to reveal that he, in fact, was NOT Bruce Wayne!

Batman… was Jesus!

Turns out that Jesus has been among us this entire time, kicking ass while dressed as a giant bat! Who’d have thunk it? So after making Dr. Strange look like an idiot, he led us all in a group sing-along of Kumbyah until Santa came in his sleigh to give him a lift to his secret fortress on the dark side of the moon.

Oh yeah, and my mom bought a “one of a kind artifact from the holy land” from a guy in a cart that had dozens of the damned things.