Grudge Match

I do hereby declare the year 2002 to be the Year of a Thousand Mikes.

Seriously, that year was absolutely surreal for me, every aspect of my life was infiltrated by other people named Mike.

There was another guy at work named Mike.

Every class in school had at least one other Mike. Hell, my California Flora class had a total of SEVEN Mikes.

I was even sharing the house I lived in with another Mike.

So yeah, as you can imagine my life was a little bit chaotic. Every time someone said “Mike!” I’d respond, even though most of the time they weren’t referring to me. And it’s not like anyone could ever pronounce my last name and call me that, so I just settled into a routine of ignoring people who called my name.

But that’s really beside the point.

No, actually this story is less about me, and more about that other Mike that I shared my house with.

Yes, this is…


Mike was an ass.

Mike was a jock.

Mike was from New Zealand.

He was a New Zealander jock ass.

And his favorite story that he liked to tell was about how he, many moons ago, had actually picked a fight with Batman.

Picked a fight with Batman, and won.

Now you gotta admit, that’s pretty impressive. Until you go and press him for details, and then it turns out that he mostly got lucky.

I remember most of the story, but this happened quite some time ago, and given the amount of pot he smoked, he’d probably killed enough brain cells along the way that he couldn’t remember most of the story quite right himself.

At any rate, apparently when he was about 10 or so, there was an incident in his neighborhood where Mr. Freeze was apparently trying to lure little children to their death in some convoluted scheme involving an ice cream truck or something. Or maybe it was just something to do with an ice cream truck franchise called Mr. Freeze. Lord knows it could have been the latter, since a similar incident occurred when I was a kid.

But the ice cream related beat down (Whatever its true nature might be) wasn’t really the true story. The meat of Mike’s story was what happened after the fight, as Batman was preparing to zip out of there.

Yep, Mike went right up to Batman and kicked him in the shins. Batman just kind of started at him.

So Mike kicked him again.

This just continued on like this, with dumbass child Mike kicking and punching Batman for no apparent reason, while Batman just kind of stared at him, probably wondering what the hell this idiot was doing. Makes you wonder just when he started smoking weed, ’cause that’s a pretty stupid thing to do.

To hear Mike tell it, he was whooping Batman’s ass, but anyone with any common sense knows that Batman wasn’t going to fight a kid. But in Mike’s version, Batman runs off without landing a single punch, and Mike is victorious.

‘Course the real puzzler is that at the end of the story, Mike says that Batman leaned over and said “See you in 10 years.”

Bugwha? What kind of ending is that? Just seemed like a weird way to end it, but that’s the way he told it.

But Mike was a weird sort of guy, so I just took it in stride. By which I went out of my way to ignore and avoid him because he frankly gave me the creeps and bathed maybe once a week.

So anyway, I’m chilling in the living room, when one of my other housemates comes in and says that the door’s for me. The door’s for me? Who the hell would be coming to see me at home? I wasn’t expecting anyone…

My curiosity piqued, I went to the front door, and who should be standing out there?


Batman looked at me and frowned a bit. He looked down at this little index card he was holding, then back up to me and said “Uh… is this 6819 Fortuna?”

“Um… yeah… Did you want something?”

“Did you kick me in the shins when you were a kid?”

“Oh, you want the other Mike. Hey Mike, the door’s for you!”

The other Mike came shuffling out of his room (Which was at one point the garage) and made his way to the door. He took one look at who was outside and went rigid.

“You. Outside. Now,” growled Batman.

Mike moved out on the lawn while I watched from the doorway. Suddenly the “See you in ten years” quip was making sense. Apparently still living in his dream world where he beat up Batman, Mike threw a punch first.

I won’t bore you with what happened next, but I hear that he’s finally learning to eat solid foods again…

Let me tell you, Batman is not someone you want to get on the bad side of. He holds a grudge for a loooooooong time.