Dark Knight Dine-asty

My friend Justin had been my best friend since like… second grade. He had been in my first grade class, but the elementary school we went to eliminated the second grade for budget reasons, so everyone got transferred to this other school that lived in like the worst part of town possible. We were both just so excited to see someone that we both knew at the new school, we started hanging out together all the time.

Now Justin had a friend named Jon who was a year younger than us and lived on the same block he did. I knew of him, but didn’t really see him or talk to him all that often until we were all in high school, at which point me and Jon became the best of buddies and kind of let Justin fall to the wayside.

That reminds me, I should call up Justin sometime, I haven’t seen him since we graduated high school like… six years ago.

So anyway, I moved out of my parents’ house, went off to UCSB to eventually go on to get a degree in zoology, while Jon stayed at home and went to the city university to major in computer science. So of course my degree is all but worthless without going to graduate school, and he’s likely to land some relatively high paying job right off the bat. Figures.

So anyway, like two weeks ago he calls me out of the blue here in Seattle and tells me that he’s got a job interview with Microsoft, and wants to know if we can get together for lunch. “Well hell yeah, you idiot,” I tell him. I mean Christ, I’ve only seen him like a dozen times since I moved from Fresno, of course I want to get together for lunch. Gyah.

I tell him to meet me at this little diner I go to. It’s one of those little places with the red and white check plastic table cloths and aging chain smoking waitresses named Barbara, but the food is pretty decent (They have the BEST pie, I tell you.) and the coffee’s good.

We’re sitting there catching up on old times, when he suddenly gets this stunned look on his face. “You’ll never guess who just sat down behind us,” he whispers.

“Who?” I say, starting to turn around?

“No no no, don’t go LOOKING!” he says as he grabs my shoulder. He shoves the chromed napkin dispenser over to me, and I angle it to look in the reflection to see who’s behind us…

It was BATMAN! Sitting at a table behind us like there was nothing out of the ordinary about it!

Of course you know he just does it to get the attention… He’s like the second most famous hero in the world, and he goes and picks this little hole in the wall diner in Seattle to drop in and eat some lunch? “Holy attention whore, Batman!”

We were so caught up in watching Batman that we totally forgot to order for ourselves. We were too busy talking about Batman. I mean c’mon, it’s Batman. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing.

“Holy crap, he ordered soup and a sandwich!”


“It was a HAM sandwich!”

“What’s so big about that?”

“Well he’s Jesus you know. Doesn’t he keep kosher?”

“Yeah, but didn’t Jesus abolish stuff like that?”

“But he’s still Jewish, right?”

We got caught up in the whole “Would Jesus eat ham” debate, which gradually segued into whether or not he could eat more hotdogs in eight minutes than Godzilla, when eventually we noticed that Batman had finished eating and was waiting for his check.

Once the waitress brought his check, he started patting down his utility belt, for like… five minutes, I swear. He’s all muttering to himself, alternating between pretending to analyze the check (C’mon, it was for soup and a sandwich. You didn’t even order a soda) and going through his little pouches. Ever so gradually, he’s inching forward out of his seat. That’s when it hit me…

Oh my god, Batman forgot his wallet.

We were about to witness not just any ordinary dine and dash, but a SUPERHERO DINE AND DASH!

Batman sat their fidgeting for another five minutes, casting wayward glances out the window, mentioning something about needing to put more money in the parking meter, when finally the manager (This big burly guy that looks like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) comes over to the table and says “Sir, is there a problem here?”

Batman jumps up bolt upright and stares the manager right in the eye, and all I can think is “Holy crap, he’s going to beat the hell out of the manager because he can’t pay the bill!” But instead, he reaches back behind his back and fumbles with his utility belt for a little bit.

Then all of a sudden he throws something on the ground, and it explodes into this huge cloud of smoke! Everyone is coughing and screaming, and can’t see anything, it’s just total mass hysteria. When the smoke finally clears though, Batman is gone. Everyone sits completely still as we all stare at the spot where he was standing, the only movement occurring is his empty soup bowl slowly wobbling like a coin that’s been spun and is about to land on one side.

The manager looks right at the waitress for the table and says “That’s coming out of your paycheck.”

No one can skip out on a check like Batman!