All posts in Legends of Batman!

  • Wide Stance

    Generally speaking, I don’t have much of a problem with using public restrooms. For people who hate to use urinals because they’re worried about splash back, all I can say is “How the hell did you get this far in life without learning how to take a piss right?”

    What I really don’t like though are using the stalls. I’m sure we’ve all seen some stalls that would deter anyone from ever using any toilet again, so you probably know where I’m coming from. I don’t mind taking a leak in a public restroom, but if I have to go number two, I’ll try and make it home first.

    It’s not just because my bathroom’s probably cleaner (Well has the appearance of being cleaner. Public restrooms in places like the mall and whatnot probably get doused with disinfectant three times a day), but also I don’t have that industrial grade single ply toilet paper that causes anal bleeding from abrasions. Plus, I just don’t like the idea of people hanging around nearby while I’m on the john.

    Call it performance anxiety if you will.

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  • A Story of Juvenile Wish Fulfillment

    Everyone likes my mom.

    This comes with much befuddlement on the parts of myself, my brother, and my father, because we all think she’s absolutely insufferable. Picture a manic-depressive that never has a depressive phase, and instead replaces it with a superiority complex the size of the western hemisphere, and that pretty much sums up my mom.

    My theory is that everyone who likes her does so because they never had to live with her. For instance, way back when the internet was something of an oddity to have in the house, my mom had a friend over and showed her the wonders of Netscape 1.14. She clicked on the back button, the computer froze, and the first thing she did was turn around and yell at me, “WHAT DID YOU DO?”

    Never mind that I was sitting on the other side of the room at the time!

    “Yes, dear mother. I used my psychokinetic ability to lock up the computer just to make you look silly today.”


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  • The Fourth Wall Lies in Shambles

    Hello, and welcome to the 25th installment of the Legends of Batman!

    BatmanWe sure have had a lot of wacky adventures together, haven’t we Mike?

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  • Coffee Breaking Things

    I think there’s some sort of unwritten rule somewhere that in any office, he that does not drink coffee is thereby declared to be the designated “coffee bitch.”

    I don’t know why this is. I don’t drink coffee, why should I have to take the time to go down to Starbucks to get coffee for everyone else? I think the only reason I do it is that when it happens I’m still on the clock and I get to skip out on work for a while.

    Ever visit Seattle? There’s literally a Starbucks on every block downtown. It’s insane. There’s some parts where Starbucks is across the street from another Starbucks. University Village shopping center has THREE in it alone. And even more bizarre, they all seem to do enough business to justify having so many locations.

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  • An Incredibly Stupid Tale That is a Source of Perpetual Shame to Me

    My teacher in fourth grade was this ex-cop named Mr. McNair. He was a pretty cool teacher, actually, he had this whole zoo’s worth of animals in the classroom. We had an aquarium full of fish, a big giant cage with a couple of parakeets, a pair of rats in a cage, and some frogs in a terrarium.

    Of course one by one tragedy befell just about every last one of these animals. The parakeets? One chewed through a power cord that ran next to the cage and electrocuted himself. Smelled like Thanksgiving turkey when we came into class the next day. The other one escaped and battered his brains out on the window trying to escape.

    The frogs? I think they just never got fed and died of starvation. He never removed them from the terrarium either, so we got to watch them decompose.

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